We all have something that we are abnormally afraid of.

If I were to see a spider in my room it wouldn't phase me! Even if a mouse squeaked underneath my bed, it wouldn't freak me out enough to make me leave my room. But anything that flies will have me outta there in a second!!! And right now its 2:26am in the morning and I'm sitting in my living room because a massive moth just took ownership of my room, so I switched off my light, left my door WIDE open, and came downstairs hoping that the moth will be out by the time I pluck up the courage to go back up. 

I don't know what it is about flying insect's?! They seem to be the most invasive of all creatures, buzzing around the house as if they have special ownership because they have wings. I've never liked moths, or those flying daddy long leg monsters and my worst fear of all, butterfly's!! I hate them, they freak me out soooooo bad! Their innocent cutesy colourful disguise just does not work for me, they still fly and land on your face as if its okay because they are yellow with pink detailing; no just no, its still not okay! 

Ever since I was little I've always been one of those kids that were scared of EVERYTHING. Even till this day I still have the weirdest phobias! My cousins used to love scaring me with baby dolls and masks and even a blow up scary spice doll; which I only just discovered was what caused one of my biggest and most repeated nightmares as a child! But honestly it can be so exhausting having so many fears which other people can't understand because its specific to you and relates only to your own experiences; so its always a nightmare having to explain why hot air balloons scare the shit out of me, and why I couldn't go to Damian Hirst exhibition because of the one room filled with live butterfly's. We all have something that we are abnormally afraid of, but my fears always seem to trump others. But somehow now that I am older and somewhat slightly wiser, I have now started lining the dots together from my childhood to my current phobias; and all I can say is that I have my cousins to blame. They took advantage of a little girl who would cry for anything and then when I say I'm afraid of hot air balloons they brightly point out how silly it is. You see I never knew that the spice girl blow up doll that my cousin (who loved scaring the shit out of me) bought me was a doll; until recently I always thought it was only a large balloon of scary spices face, which I believe lead me to my fear of air balloons in the first place. I used to scream as a child when I saw a hot air balloon! This one time when we were driving across Tower Bridge with my uncle, dad and cousin, I remember spotting a hot air balloon and wouldn't stop screaming and crying, begging for my uncle to shut all the windows, especially the one on the roof of the car; but he never, he just told me to shut up. 

Adults never seem to take fears seriously, they just see it as an inconvenience. I always thought that I would be mean to my cousins kids as they were to me when I was young, but now I'm older, I could never do that to a child, for them to experience what I did, even if their parents did leave a long term effect on me; I just couldn't do that because I have compassion and a heart. The funny thing is; the same hot air balloon that I was screaming after on Tower Bridge happened to crash later that day, hows that for inconvenience.

They'll look at me as a 'prostitute' if I were to get tatted.

I fucking love tattoos! They are so damn interesting and lovely to look at, something to ask about, talk about, and they say so much about a person. After watching all these world cup matches and seeing these beautiful men covered in tatts makes me admire them and want them even more which sucks. But of course thats another something I can't do, have, or want. Being Turkish and Muslim means both cultural and religious backlash, not to mention I'm a girl; which just adds to the list.

I have always been a Muslim but always somewhat an unknown one as I don't look religious but its something I was born into I guess and I have tried to follow as much as I can. It's hard following a religion or path when you don't really have anyone around you who fully implies the rules of Islam to you, but believe you me I'm happy about. My mums from Turkey, automatically more religious than my fathers Cypriot side of the family, her family in Turkey are all super into their religion; praying five times a day, fasting, and all attempting to teach their own kids the same route, but somehow only half succeeding. And well my fathers side, is well pretty pathetic with the whole understanding of religion so its hard to see the right way to go at most times because when people surprisingly ask us if we are Muslims we kind of reply in a "well, yeah; but not proper religious" kind of way, or my dad calls us "micky mouse Muslims" which is quite comedic. But when I am to ask about tattoos they shake their heads in despair implying how haram it is, even though there is no religious stability within our immediate family. And even though my dad has a tattoo himself that still doesn't matter as they then go on to say that the family won't approve, and that they'll look at me as a 'prostitute' if I were to get tatted which is just bullshit and a cheap reply.

Tattoos are so beautiful and delicate looking that if you get it done properly there should be no problem at all. But no, we have to approach the higher court in order to do something that completely concerns no one but me and my own body. I'm someone who has been creative my whole life, drawing, painting, creating music, sewing, totally artistic since I can remember I'm studying fashion for fucks sake, but cant express my total creativeness on my own body because a) God doesn't approve of tattoos, or b) my Family don't approve of tattoos. Personally my family don't concern me at all, they can learn to live with it; its more about the religious thing. The thing is, if we only see ourselves as 'kind of' Muslims than can't we commit 'kind of' some sins like tattoos but yet still fast and pray?! If we are not to change or beautify our appearance like plucking our eyebrows or having plastic surgery, then why is it all we get on Turkish TV is ads on cosmetic surgery non stop! And if my family can't approve of tattoos then why is it fine for me to do it when I'm married so long as the male decides its fine; and why is it not a problem for my male cousins to get tatted up; because I'm a girl I'm too inferior to decide for myself?! They send out so many different messages that they can't blame us for not being able to catch up with all the rules and regulations between God, culture, family and TV. 

Being focused on a brutal match helps me forget about being bored and alone.

Ten days have gone past without a written word but unfortunately it doesn't mean I've been out everyday; I've just been lazy and had some errands to run. Mostly though I've been watching the world cup everyday three times a day, and catching up on either 'Modern Family' or 'Sex and the city' between the hour breaks before the next match. And right now I'm attepting to get this post up before the next match with is England vs Uruguay; woo englaanddd. 

There is just something about football that gives me a rush but also helps me chill out! Being focused on a brutal match helps me forget about being bored and alone. Me, my dad and sister sharing the same experience and excitement, everyone booing and wooing in sync; just amazing. The funniest thing of all is my dads difficulty in understanding why the hell I'm watching the football in the first place which quite frankly pisses me off. If you take a glance at me and my sister its obvious that I'm the 'girly' one and my sisters the 'tomboy'; because I study fashion and my sister skateboards, simple. But there are things we are all secretly good at or enjoy and noone ever takes notice, which makes you feel quite shitty. I'm the eldest sibling and naturally am the first try tings out before the others. So football was something I done first and was damn good at it too! I started in year five and was quite a tomboy in my time also in my Nike trackies pretty much everyday, I know very classy. I used to play with the boys most lunchtimes in the cage attempting to actually get the ball at most times but when I did get the ball I was able to kick it normally and not with my toes; success. Sometimes I'd leave with scrapes on my knee and a throbbing nose, but somehow my dad never really caught on to the idea that I ever played sports, must have hurt my nose skipping right? Because I'm on the chubby side of the scale theres obviously no way I can be good at sports so my dad never takes no notice. I even went to play on the school team at secondary for three years but we never entered any official games outside of our school. But because I've very obviously grown out of my tomboy phase and am going on to study fashion, theres no way I could still be interested in sports right?! Fucking basic narrow minded thoughts.

But my sisters story is different; she's slim and has never really grown out of her 'tomboy' phase and has tried every sport under the sun but has never lasted. Football, cricket, tennis, basketball, netball. This automatically makes her the sporty child, the one that tries every sport but can't seem to stick to one. She was lucky with football though, when she arrived to my secondary that's when they started entering cups and matches with other schools and they were pretty good, winning first a few times. But even then it didn't seem like she was too interested to carry on.

Between me and my sister, she has the skills and I have the speed to strike; great but unlikely team. Big and slim. What's even funnier than my dads disbelief in me watching football is that whenever people ask us about who's better at football, my sister always says me from what I remember. So now I'll head downstairs to watch a football match with a father who knows nothing about me and doesn't even try, instead I'll get the same question "Fatty have you done my website yet?!".  

I'm a lone wolf who doesn't like exploring alone.

Browsing on tumblr all day pretty much makes my life sound even more lamer than I would care to accept, but now that I'm free from my fashion foundation I really do have nothing to do. Scrolling past all the fashion editorials and mesmerising places around the world and delish looking foods and drinks really makes you feel inspired and adventurous to step out the front door and take the first bus.

I really do want to explore as much as I can, hit all the local cafes at least; but to do that you need money. Everything looks so appealing in photos but coming round to doing it is what I have trouble with. I'm a lone wolf who doesn't like exploring alone. I love going out and finding new spots with my friends but pretty much like always we're always always broke and most likely just end up in the nearest most delightful mcdonalds which screams 'class'. & When I do attempt to head out alone I always feel odd but I love the simplicity of being alone, not having to speak. Headphones in, world out. I could walk and shop for hours alone without a care, until my tummy starts to rumble; and that's when the world comes back to me and my fear of entering a restaurant or food stall alone hits me stone cold. I never eat alone, I always go back home asap instead. I guess its similar with visiting new places alone. I mean like I said I can shop and walk alone but mostly in familiar places. Never do I just step out and go on a hunt for a cool new smoothie bar, or a green colourful park to read a book in. That's just my problem. I have all these plans and things I want to do but wont go for it because I dont have anyone to share them with; how sad is that?! 

I live in London for crying out loud!!! If I don't explore now I will never find the time again, especially now that I'm going to be a Brighton chick by the end of September! Thats it. I'm putting myself up for a challenge! I have to be  more adventurous, explore more, step out my house at the very least once a week for a walk somewhere different and exciting, be it southbank or greenwhich park. Wow this I'm actually looking forward to this now. Hopefully I can keep this up! I'm no Barney Stinson when it comes to personal challenges but I'll definitely give it a hopeful shot!

I used to be the target that would cry and never bite back.

So I came across this image a few days ago on tumblr, the addictive site that beholds everything I love about the web, intelligence, fashion, music, film gifs, comedy and more fashion. These two words struck me at a time where I have nothing better to do than criticize the world.

Why are we always put into categories in this society? Fat-skinny, pretty-ugly, young-old, stupid-smart, introvert-extrovert?! Is there never a middle, a place of compromise and not be categorised because of the way way we are. We are always told "everyone is unique in their own way" yet they can't wait to narrow us down into pigeon holes in order to make it a easier yet meaner place, therefore also diluting people which makes us not so unique any more. 

If you were to ask me what I thought of myself, an introvert or extrovert? I wouldn't have a straight answer. Introvert definition- a shy, reticent person. Extrovert definition- an outgoing, socially confident person. They seem pretty different to each other and I cant apply myself to a one single trait without the other. As I was growing up I was always extremely shy, I personally blame it on my aunts because we always got yelled at(especially me)for the simplest things and it just became easier to shut the fuck up and respect them because at the time it felt as though I was doing something wrong. But then when we hit the age of 13 and they'd ask us a question in which they would only get a very light and shy response from me, they'd fucking shout but this time for not speaking. What a fucking ironic world it is. We are conditioned into being timid little fuckers to only then be told we are never going to be anything because we wont speak up. Now I'm 19 and look back at the way I was treated I now realise that they are just bullies. Even though they raised us like that (uncles and aunts, not my rents) I've still managed to turn out a lot smarter than their own children. I'm not being big headed, just realistic. I used to be the kid in the family that got screamed at by my aunt, and traumatised and scared by my cousins because I was weaker than them, but only ever me, never the other cousins. And now I'm heading to uni, partying, going out with my firends, enjoying life to a regulated extent; because I was raised by the parents who would play and make jokes with their nieces and nephews and not shout at them like there parents would us, and respected there own children and sent them on school trips; whilst all my other cousins instead leave education once the law allows them to for them to wind up either married or helping out with the family business; I know real ambitious of them. Also money definitely isn't a problem with them because believe it or not they can afford whatever they want because they've worked all there lives, but we're the poor ones with all the ambiton but no respect. Poorest but smartest; who needs money when you have knowledge of the real world anyways. 

There are times when everyone can be shy and extremely nervous to socialise but can also have the ability to be super confident in a totally different comfortable environment and with different people. Its the way you were raised and how comfortable you are within different situations and how you make of it, how you've made yourself a more confident person and how you can instantly take it back down to a timid level whenever you please. Because believe you me I used to be the target that would cry and never bite back, but now I'm the fucking smart one that knows not to put up with family bullshit by not being the first to check up on them; I'm the younger one they should ask me(just how I do with my younger cousins), I give no fucks no more. Introvert, extrovert; does it fucking matter? Yes and no; it depends on your own views at the end of the day. The person you are in the present, the path that got you there. This is only my path and my opinion, I call bullshit on being an introvert or an extrovert until they create some in-betweens and then some.

Summer is here and I have no fucks for the world.

My summers started a lot sooner than everybody else's and I'm already bored one week in. My hair hit the ugly length of hopelessness just between my shoulders and my boobs, and that's perfect timing for me to get iffy about changing up my style in the glorious summer.

I chopped it off last night. I say chopped because I forgot my own method of cutting my hair and managed to give myself a long bob instead of my usual blunt shoulder length cut. The sad thing is once I realised I fucked up, I wasn't even bothered "oh well it's the summer" I thought to myself and just kept cutting, trying to level the shittyness. You see once you finish uni for the year and you have no summer job lined up, you care a lot lot less than before than when you actually had a routine, a reason to straighten your hair and put some make-up on. Obviously I'm loving the freedom of not having anything to do, but I can't avoid the void within me of wanting to explore London before I move to Brighton for uni in September; but I have no job which means no money which means catching up with Orange is the New Black at home in my pj's instead. Even though I still have my dad nagging at me everyday to make his stupid website about his old families kebab house business that no one even remembers; and I still wont do it because I know I have 'the whole summer' to do it, when I could probably finish it in two days if I wanted to, but I don't. I have no drive or ambition left in me; my final project pretty much sucked all that outta me last month. Fuck, sometimes I wonder whether fashion is even right for me. I love it but hate it all the same; I've always wanted to go into textiles, but lately I've been challenging my own future, thinking whether its the media side of fashion would be better for me, being more involved with a fashion magazine of my own. I don't know, with all this spare time all I can do is just doubt myself; fantastic.

Summer is here and I have no fucks for the world. They say girls cut their hair to forget about a boyfriend or to move on from something, new hair new person. Is that true though? Does that apply to me? Maybe me cutting my hair is reflecting on my decisions of what I want to do for the future, textiles or fashion magazine; maybe I've moved on already? Who's fucking idea was it anyway to make us decide on our future at 18/19 years old. But there's no turning back now, I'm moving to Brighton in September to start my degree on Textiles with Business, better fucking grow my hair out and suck it up! No going back now!